Mukha siyang cute dito, pero believe me ang bigat ng kamay niya
Grabe, feeling ko mababalian ako ng buto.
Sabi nya "pichur dali, bey, pichur" sabay nanggigil sa braso ko
Ang bigat bigat ng batang ito
Bigla siyang tumayo, tumalon at sinipa ako sa likod. ganyan kami magmahalan...
He's been in his DInosaur stage ever since he saw Jurassic park. We're already running our material to show this kid. I mean, we can only watch so much movies about dinosaurs (Land before time, Disney's Dinosaur, Jurassic Park 1 to 3, Journeey to the Center of the earth, Ice Age 3, pati Godzilla pwede na din).
I noticed he keeps a shelf in his room where he stores EVERYTHING red in the house.
He's got red dinosaurs, red pens (kaya pala nawawala yung mga pens ko), red chalk, red clay, my red whistle from Cosmo Bachelor Bash, and a red vitmin gum (ayaw niyang ipakain samin kasi red daw un)
I eventually got tired from wrestling so he asked me to read him a story.
In my mind, I was like, YESSS!!!! finally matutulog na sya
He asked for his usual bottle (which I seriously think he should be weaned from, but my mom is so stubborn)
I read him 101 Dalmatians
then he asked for Finding Nemo
then a book about dinosaurs
then Jungle book
then "Ang alamat ng pating"
GRABE ang tagal antukin!!!
Not to be satisfied anytime soon, he asked for another story...
I reached for another book in his bookshelf and my hand landed on this:
Sabi ni Tatot, "Oy, bey, kanino galing yan?"
Of course alam nya ang sagot. Mahilig sya sa rhetorical questions; gusto lang niyang kuwentuhan ko siya tungkol sa mga bagay bagay.
"Kay kuya Christian yan galing..." sabi ko
"e bakit?" Alam mo naman ang mga bata, lahat ng bagay may karugtong na bakit...
Sa loob loob ko gusto kong sabihin na, "Kasi noon kami pa. Mahal niya ako. Masaya siyang nakikita akong masaya. Siya ang nagtulak sakin na maging malapit ulit sa inyo ni Mimmy. Noon kasi, madalas niya akong naaalala, kahit walang okasyon, pag may nakita siyang bagay that reminds him of me, nireregalo niya sakin; he's sweet like that."
OK, while I was drooling at the eye candies of the first Idol Ep (Boston), Idol EP 2 (Atlanta) is somewhat more... dry.
BUT, there were some REALLY amazing talent in that ep, like this guy right here:
He's pretty amazing. Sung "One of us", that Joan Osbourne song and he turned it into this cool, R&B, soulful song that is REALLY moving
he's got this really cool voice that just goes up and down the scale in this really smooth amazing way. So much control! amazing!
Then there's this charming small town country girl who says she does nothing but jump bridges... literally
She was so humble and unassuming, you can't help but love her.
She walks intp the room and you expect her to be this hick wacko then she opens her mouth and her country voice comes out in clear fresh notes that feels like water skipping in the brook.
And there's the wierd police guy with the balding Mohawk (TOTALLY WEIRD)
Turns out he can sing!
For CRAZEEH face of the ep, I was torn between guitar girl and this psycho. But since guitar girl actually has talent, I'm goin for psycho black guy who kept singing "La, la, laaaa, la, la-la" even when he got to the parking lot:
Ok that's a bit of a lie, I woke coz i can hear my mother screaming at Chayyiel, BUT before her voice woke me up, I was having a dream
And it's funny, coz in the dream, it felt so REAL.
I was on Skype talking to him.
And in my dream I was smiling; in my dream I did not feel that heavy.
We were talking (of what exactly, I can no longer remember) and we were laughing. GOD, it's been a long time since I laughed - it was a different kind of laughter, not the kind that yu do when you hear a funny joke or when you someone do something embarrassing. It's laughter that brings lightness into the body...
I really can't find words to explain it. It's the same feeling I get when we're out on a crowded place and suddenly puts his arms around me. It's the same feeling I get when we're on the commute to work and he kisses me in front of all the passengers and whispers "Ingat ka, be". It's like wrapping myself in his arms, and putting my head on his shoulders and I smell his distinct scent: that sweet and musky smell I can never explain why I love so much.
Everything was going OK... util I noticed that he's in a different house...
It's his white walls with dark wood apartment room... He was in a bright sun-filled apartment.
And then I asked, "Nasan ka?"
He just sniggered, the way he usually does when he's being silly.
He did not answer my question and started talking about somethings else.
So I asked again, "Nasan ka?"
He was laughing now and said, "Bakit ba?"
"Wala ka sa bahay mo. nasaan ka?"
And he just kept laughing
I can't understand it. WHy won;t he answer my question? Why can't he just spill it out?
He kept on laughing
I lost my patience. I closed my laptop and broke it in two. In my unquenchable anger, I trashed my room.
THEN I woke up
Again, with a throbbing headache.
And with thee realization that none of it was real... including the happy feeling of talking to him again.
Haaaaaay. And it's back to reality.
While making breakfast (just a sandwich, I don't cook) Ican hear my best friend's nagging voice in my head:
"Ano ba talaga, Oliver? Ang gulo eh! Nakipagbreak ka! Tapos ngayon lungkot-lungkutan ka. E bakit ka nakipagbreak kung malulungkot ka lang pala? O di naman, bakit ka malulungkot kung ikaw ang nakipag break? Ano ba talaga? Ano ba talaga ang gusto mo?"
And while contemplating how many calories a spam and egg sandwich contains, the answer dawned on me:
I miss him terribly. I miss having him beside me. I miss going to Las Pinas every Sunday. I miss our mid-week dates. I miss silly texts. I want him back.
But I don't just want HIM back. I want the OLD HIM back. The one who actually made me feel he loved me; the one who kissed me in the jeep, the one whose arms I hugged, the one who'd text me every morning and tell me "Wag kang magpagutom jan"
What I have now... or more accurately (coz technically, I don't have him anymore) what's out there is a different person.
SO while I wallow in the misery of a failed relationship, please play this song and feel my pain:
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part You roll outta bed and down on your knees And for a moment you can hardly breathe Wondering was she really here? Is she standing in my room? No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The giving up is the hardest part She takes you in with her crying eyes Then all at once you have to say goodbye Wondering could you stay my love? Will you wake up by my side? No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands? Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands? Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?
Would you get them if i did? No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart The waking up is the hardest part
I was browsing through this networking site (if your gay, you know what this site is) and came across this bit in one of the profiles I checked:
After a while you will come to learn the difference between holding a hand and falling in love...you will begin to learn that kisses dont always mean something...promises can be broken just as quickly as they are made...and GOODBYES really are FOREVER...
Para akong binaril ng shotgun sa dibdib: butas na siya at wala ng natira.
Minsan nangangarap ako na SANA hindi pa dito tapos ang lahat...
Hindi din kasi sigurado kung paano ba namin siya sinulat: tuldok ba (.)? or ellipsis (...)?
...
I KNOW drama queen mode na naman.
I can feel a lot of people's eyebrows raised and muttering (Hindi ba ikaw ang nakipagkalas???)
Which I think is worse coz I can't put my foot down and say "Good riddance".
And this is my first project for this blog (Sabi ko di ba, I need a distraction)
Just finished watching the first episode of the new season last night (matagal siya i-download).
Their guest judge was Victoria Beckham. First time ko siya actually nakita on a TV show, I usually see kasi on Papp photos and in the news (akways stills but super dalang ng video).
I was SHOCKED at how emaciated she looks:
GRABE!!!
Hindi ko ma-imagine how David Beckham can stand having sex with a skeletton... or a sci-fi character:
NAKAKAINIS
Anyway, mabalik tayo sa American Idol.
Wasn't focusing much on the talent ahown on the first ep. There's just too much CRAZEH in that show.
BUT BUT BUT
Check out all the eye candies parading their stuff on the first ep!!
GRABE natunaw ang panty ko. Mukhang marami tayong susubaybayan sa Hollywood week!
First up is this REALLY charming guy (is he a red head or a blonde? I'm not sure, my eyes are not so reliable)
He can sing, alright!
And he's just so yummy when he does.
He used to be a waiter daw. Grabe. kung ganyan ang waiter ko, baka pati sya mapa-take home ko!
Ang sarap grabe!
And he's got a really cute smile as well!!!
Secong cutie is this guy Who's already 28 but looks (and sounds) waaaaaaaaaaayyyy younger than any of the mongrels in the show:
He's so bright eyed and he's got such a sincere smile:
He sings pretty nice too
He's got that sweet innocence about him
And yet a certain amount of impishness (?) or naughtiness
And just check out how TIGHT he is! I'm sure he'd look good in a pair of swim trunks! hahahaha
The last one is a cancer survivor (I swear, malapit na sa level ng Wish Ko Lang ang AI for milking all the sappy human interest stories from the folks who auditioned)
Lovin the whole pale-eyed, scruffy, "I'm a troubled man" kinda look:
You can tell he's a bit on the chubby side but there's no denying there's meat there somewhere
Oh and yeah, he's got talent too
He appears to be a sweet guy (who the hell doesn't want a sweet guy? I thought I had a sweet guy, turns out I was just too blind to see he really didn't care much about me)
But I like him better scruffy.
HUWELL< I need to change undies. Theey're wet again.
GOSH! the effect of these boys on me!
Oh, and of course, AI won;t be complete without the CRAZEH person of the day.
For me, it's this loser:
SO many wrong things on several levels.
I really don;t understand why they even audition to AI (I'm inlined to say self-delusion) It's like they're deliberately looking for pain and embarrassment!
Deadma na sa cute na gumugulong na panda. EMO muna... EMO!!!
You came to me like a dream The kind that always leaves Just as the best part starts It ends so abruptly And leaves you stunned and naked in your bedroom all alone. It’s kinda funny how something so soothing gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone.
And you broke me like the cigarette that I busted on the day I quit. But now that I've been drinking, I'm outta smokes and I wish that I had it Woke up to my daily headache And the realization that you are gone Oh my sweet darling happiness You've been away from me all along One thing that I've never said I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head A lonely liver suspended in liquid
You came to me like a dream The kind that always leaves Just as the best part starts It ends so abruptly And leaves you stunned and naked in your bedroom all alone. It’s kinda funny how something so soothing gets interrupted by the ring of a telephone.
One thing that I've never said I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head A lonely liver suspended in liquid Its one thing that I never did was smile Missing a case, lacking a lid My heart bleeds for what you never did... You never did For what you never did... Never did. For what you never did... Never did... For what you never did... Never did... Never did... Never did... You never did... You never did...
It’s one thing that I've never said, I'm truly happy in my heart and in my head. A lonely liver suspended in liquid. Its one thing that I never did was smile. Missing a case, lacking a lid. My heart bled for what you never did until now.
We had a training/seminar yesterday and today @ the Crowne Plaza.
I usually wake up at 6am coz I hafta be in Balintawak by 9am (have to leave home before 7:30am para sure na hindi ako late). But these past 2 days, I was able to wake up at at around 6:45 and leave the house at 8 (call time is 8:30). Saraaaaaaaap!
And then when I get out of training, 20 mins lang nasa bahay na ako. Hindi nakakapagod mag-commute :D
Thing is, lately, I'm not exactly looking forward to going home early... The moment I stop thinking of work and the moment my head goes idle, I start going emo.
And it sucks.
Gusto ko sana kanina tumambay sa Metrowalk at uminom ng konti, kaso wala naman akong kainuman. Mas malungkot di ba? May dala pa akong laptop at malaking bag. Hassle maglibot libot.
Oo, malandi ako, pero hindi naman ako bumooking. Naisip ko din yun, actually. But I wasn't exactly in the mood.
So today, dahil maaga ako nakauwi ng bahay, hayaan niyo muna ako magsuot ng itim na T shirt, magpanggap na unat ang buhok ko at mahaba ang bangs.
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades, waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved while you're taking your time with apologies, I'm making my plans for revenge Red eyes on orange horizons If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge I'd drive straight off the edge
Taking your own life with boredom, I'm taking my own life with wine - it helps you to rule out the sorrow, it helps me to empty my mind Making the most of a bad time I'm smoking the brains from my head Leaving the coal calling the kettle black and orange and red This kettle is seeing red
I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you, plugged in and ready to fall
Shaking like a dog shittin' razorblades, waking up next to nothing after dreaming of you and me I'm waking up all alone, waking up so relieved while you're taking your time with apologies, I'm planning out my revenge Red eyes on orange horizons If Columbus was wrong I'd drive straight off the edge I'm seeing red
I've got a big fat fuckin' bone to pick with you my darling In case you haven't heard I'm sick and tired of trying I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you, plugged in and ready to fall
Plugged in and ready to fall Plugged in and ready to fall
OK, so it's another make-up tutorial... so sue me!
I've been trying to balance some finance stuff for work and I need soemthing that does NOT involve numbers to keep me sane.
So I found this girl on Youtube and like the other 2 I posted a couple of days ago (read it here). Main difference, this girl is from the UK (British? English? not so sure, tell me please) you can tell by the lovely accent. she actually tells you the brand of the make-up and brush she's using (like Michelle Phan).
Thing is she's caucasian and if you're not exceptionally tisay (or tisoy) what she's doing may not exactly look great on you.
Anyway, in this video, she tries to recreate Kate Moss' look in the ad below:
ANd the outcome is REALLY nice - coz she has pale sking, prominent facial fetaures (brows and cheeks).
But her lids are kinda dark so her make up looks more muddy than Kate's
And speaking of movies, Gen actually treated me to a movie premiere last week of Sherlock Holmes (her first treat ever!!!)
The action direction was awesome. The editing was fantastic.
Visual effects: not so crazy about it.
Costume design is REALLY interesting (love the frocks! I want them!!!)
Plot is very Sherlock Holmes-ey (which is good) but on hindsight, lacks certain contextual clues to actually validate the conclusion in the end.
But the best part of this movie are: Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law:
Both extremely hot and handsome men. Rob even gave us several peeks on his beefy bod:
HOTT!!!
Jude Law , more known for his face than his torso, was pretty enough on his own.
WHat I loved most about this is how they played the parts of Holmes and Watson.
throughout the entire movie, detective and doctor constantly bicker about the little things in their life (their dog, the other's personal hygiene, their over familiarity with each other, etc etc) which is really cute coz they sound like a bickering gay couple. As in kinikilig ako.
Holmes is always leading Watson into the most uncomfortable situations and uses the doctor's weakness and his charm to get his way with his partner
Then come action time, they always got each others' back, even going the extent of sacrificing their own safety for the other. Watson did this on several occasions, even putting Holmes before his own bride.
just check this photo, may nalalaman pang hawakn ng braso/kamay
The first movie was amazing, I have a feeling the second movie will not be as brilliant (though still excited for The Avengers movie, that should be BIG!)
I don't like Mickey Rourke playing whiplash. he always (ALWAYS) looks like a drunk who hasn't showered for months. Even when he has actually showered and dressed up, he somehow manages to look disgusting...
Sorry, perpekto ako.
Here's another movie I'm excited about, the trailer's been shown in theaters so it should be up soon (around mid 2010? I suppose?)
Haven't read the book though but it sounds pretty interesting.
the movie seems to boast great effects but coupled with these teeny cutesy actors and lines that are a bit too cheesy to actually be uttered, the movie then emits this stench of a B movie. You'll see it. like it. But for get it in a weeks time.
Well, ayun, weak nga, so I kinda went back on my pledge to not contact him again.
I was having a particularly stressful day at work (not to mention this thing we're going through is stress on its own) and I needed to breathe. When he was still here, I'd usually just talk to him when work is starting to get to me. But I don;t have that outlet anymore.
So the stress just keeps on piling up.
I had to breathe. And I did what's probably one of the most stupid things I did that day.
I actually unblocked him from YM and sent him a message. It wasn't even actually a message, coz I did not write anything; just typed three spaces and hit enter.
Turns out he replied. and we started talking (so to speak)...
And in my heart of hearts I was breathing a sigh of relief. We were talking as if nothing happened. The conversation was flowing. He was actually listening to me!
God I missed that.
SO MUCH
I can't express into words how much having that short conversation just moved me. How much it helped me.
In my mind, I was thinking: could this be it? Is this actually the beginning of the change that he promised me?
SIDEBAR:
After that drunken and controversial post from my first blog, we were able to talk - as sober, level headed, mature individuals (well, as much as we could).
He was REALLY apologetic for what happened and I actually believed him no matter how stupid it sounds, I actually believe his alibi. I guess in the end, despite the anger and the frustration, he was still my bebi - that same person I fell in love with whom I feel like I know so much that i can't actually NOT doubt him.
But that night, at that very instance, I told him that it was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. You don't tell someone you love them and then completely forget about them for 32hours making the other person hysterical with worry. You just don't. That is something that a loving person would NOT do.
So I told him my plan. I was cutting him off. I needed space. I needed some time for myself. I wasn't actually dumping him, it was more like a complicated cool off.
But nevertheless, I was cutting him off. I wasn;t doing it because I don't love him anymore. Actually it's the complete opposite. I think I love him so much that I have come to depend on him too much. And his neglect, his utter lack of responsibility for his partner, is just too difficult for me. He makes it hard for me to love him.
So I said give a month r two. Let me figure this out.
At the same time, use that time and think if you really wanna be in this relationship. Coz if you do, you gotta change a lot of things. And it's gonna be real hard work.
So back to my story.
We were talking (after just 2 weeks since that talk) and it was good.
I had to go home though, so I said goodbye
When I got home, I was checking Analytics and saw that he was reading my blog (Yes, I know it's him).
I messaged him in YM...
no reply...
"I know you're online, " I said. "Sana kausapin mo naman ako ng ayos"
SILENCE
up until today
it is SILENCE
I don't know exactly what this means...
OK, I may not have done all the right things... and I probably deserve to be treated like shit. But how about some courtesy (like what I did) of telling me, "I can't handle this, I'm blocking you"
So yeah, I spent the entire day brooding and being moody about it.
Though, looking back. I think the message the is clear.
I'm not sure I like it. But I don't exactly have a choice about it. I think it's something I just have live with.
After all, these days, a relationship only works when your working the sheets. And it's over as soon as you hit the shower.
According to Google Analytics THIS blog has been getting steady dirrect visits (or via Multiply) from some readers from Japan.
Which is funny coz I particularly put up this blog so that THOSE people will STOP snooping about what has transpired.
And frankly, I don't see how this blog could be of interest to ANY OF THEM seeing as there's nothing here about HIM (mostly it's about me whining about him).
If you're one of his officemates reading this blog, I sure hope you get a kick from reading about my life and pestering him about what has happened.
Just so your updated, we are in such a deep shithole, the only thing left to do is to flush it.
Siguro naman by now e alam na at napanood na ng lahat ang super patok na Avatar (by Jame Canmeron).
Sa mga hindi pa, susme, saang kuweba ba kayo nagtatago? manood nga kayo! ito ang trailer! um! educate yourselves:
This has got to be one of the biggest movies of 2009!!! And I'm praying na pasok siya sa Oscars come March (March nga ba ang Oscars o May?)
Either way, this post is not about the movie.
This afternboon, right after a VERY LOOOOONG monthly meeting, I found this in my inbox:
Nakakaloka di ba!?!?!?!?!
My instant recation was, "POTAH! Ako na naman ang napagtrip-an ninyo!!!" (oo madalas nila akong gaguhin, ayaw lang nilang aminin pero I'm sure mahal ako ng boys namin! wahahahaha susme ang kapal! ng bilbil!!! wahahahahaha!!!)
But on the other hand, kung hindi mo iisipin na binababoy ka nila, it's actually ameeeehzing!!! I mean, I was listening to this guy blab about this photographer friend who does masterful touch ups on abs and shoulders when we have someone who can actually transform you!
As in not bad at all, compare:
I mean, like, really. SSome people can just tinker around Photoshop (like me! that's why I usually end up looking like Carla Sibal) but our peeps got real talent
And speaking of talent, some of the Make-up tutorials I've been following also came up with their own Avatar inspired tutorials.
First one is Michelle Phan. I'm not exactly sure who she and what she does. But she has fabulous skin (INGET as in walang pores) and her make-up tips are really wearable and easy to follow.
Gusto ko itong tutorial niya na ito coz while it's conceptual it's still wearable (NOT for work, though):
This guy here has one of the best drag and theater make-up tutorials. Mejo hindi nga lang ganung kadaling sundan ang instructions nya but I'm really blown away by his skill.
He took the Avatar make-up to the next level, as in nagmukha siyang Na'vi. As in OA ang transformation:
I swear one of these days gagawin ko ang isa sa mga yan!
This afternoon I was browsing TCP, looking for good offers ( I found one, a brand new unused phone), and was instantly reminded of him. Normally, I would be consulting him seeing as he's the tech freak and I am but a mere padawan (so to speak). I remember talking to him about which touch screen phone should I get.
I suddenly feel the urge to send him a message and ask him if I should really go for the one he suggested.
But we're NOT talking. Actually, it's more like I'm NOT talking to him.
Haaaay.
It was my decision and I intend to stand by it. (arms crossed and left eyebrow perfectly raised in an arch)
We went to Gateway to meet the dealer (who turned out to be a shalan girl with gray contacts! panalo si ate!). I was telling Chayyiel that Lady GaGa (his new obsession) had a concert in Araneta Coliseum.
My mother then asked, "Nanood ka ba nun?"
"Di nga, e!" (In my mind I thought, "pero nakapanood ako ng Incubus... tapos kasama ko siya")
POTAH! Siya na naman!
And already I feel that cold pang in my chest cavity. Kinukutya ang kagandahan ko ("Ang ganda mo nga! Reyna ka nga! Tigang ka naman!" kapal ng mukha ng kunsensya ko noh?)
Inside Gateway, we immediately see Pizza Hut. We had lunch there once.
Upstairs we saw F&H. I bought my pair of white pants there and he was tsk-tsking me while fitting it.
My mother said, "Saan ba kay magkikita nun?"
"Sa foodcourt" (Just like the time when he sold his laptop. Mahaba pa ang buhok ko nun, mejo bago pa lang kami nun)
After dinner and the transaction, my mother asked, "Ano yung nasa taas?"
"Sinehan yun, Nay. Maganda sinehan nila dito" (Oo nga, dito ko napanood yung Love of Siam, Cinemanila yun. pangako ko sa sarili ko manonood ako kahit isang pelikula. sinamahan niya ako. magka-holding hands kame habang nanonood ng pelikula. Sabay kinikilig kila Mew at Tong)
Di ko mapigilan ang bigat sa dibdib, hinihila nya ang buong katawan ko. Parang gusto kong sumalampak sa gitna ng Gateway at magpalahaw ng iyak.
Sa dulo, nakita ko ang G-mask. Pag nadadaan kami sa G-Mask, palaging sinasabi niya (in his Nobita voice - ibig sabihin nag-iisip bata na naman at nagpapa-cute) "WOOOOOWW eees dat G-mask, bebi?" tapos dadaan kami; titingin ng design, pero never siyang nagpa-G mask ng kahit anong gadget ng kasama ako. hahaha.
Bumaba na kami. Niyaya ko na silang umuwi at sa Shang na lang dalhin si Chayyiel para maglibang.
Hindi ko siya matakasan. Parang kahit saan ako magpunta andun siya. Nakangiti, tumatawa, hinahawakan ang kamay ko. Nangingilti, nakikipagharutan.
Hindi mapigilan ng mga mata ko ang mangilid ng luha.
At sa isip ko, umaalingawngaw ang ilan sa mga linya ng kantang ito:
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear But I knew that it would come An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone She said you found someone And I thought of all the bad luck, And all the struggles we went through How I lost me and you lost you What are these voices outside love's open door Make us throw off our contentment And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes The more I know, the less I understand All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter But my will gets weak And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain There's a yearning undefined And people filled with rage We all need a little tenderness How can love survive in such a graceless age And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness They're the very things we kill, I guess Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms And the work they put between us, You know it doesn't keep us warm
I've been trying to live without you now But I miss you, baby The more I know, the less I understand And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter But my will gets weak And my heart is so shattered But I think it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
All the people in your life who've come and gone They let you down, you know they hurt your pride Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter And my heart is so shattered But I know it's about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter Because the flesh will get weak And the ashes will scatter So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness Forgiveness Even if you don't love me anymore Even if you don't love me anymore
On one hand, gusto ko na siya i-unblock sa YM at kausapin. o lagyan ng load ang sun IDD ko at tawagan siya.
Pero kahit naman gawn ko yun, hindi naman nun maibabalik yung mga masasayang pinagsamahan namin. Kaya nga pala hindi kami nag-uusap....
Na mas malungkot. dahil ibig sabihin, hindi lang yung tao ang namimiss ko kundi pati yung pinagdaanan namin - mga pagkakataong hindi na naman maibabalik kahit anong pilit ko.
Hanggang reminisce na lang.
SO for tonight, in a moment of weakness, let me dwell in the past for a moment and pray for the strength to let it go...
I've been learning to live without you now But I miss you sometimes I've beeen trying to get down to the matter But my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gustong patunayan ni ate.
Para siyang trying hard na maging cross between Britney Spears, Pink, and a touch of Lady GaGa (as in BAHID lang ah, sobrang layo niya sa level ni Gagalou) then cross it with a juvenile opium drug lord...
Pero in fairness kay Sun Ho, may LSS factor ang kanta niya...
Sometimes you just need to start again in order to fly...
Used to dream of being a millionaire, without a care But if I’m seeing my dreams and you aren’t there ’cause it’s over That just wont be fair, darling. I’d rather be a poor woman living on the street, No food to eat ’cause I don’t want no pie if I have to cry ’cause it’s over When you said goodbye
All at once I had it all But it doesn’t mean anything Now that you’re gone From above, Seems I had it all But it doesn’t mean anything Since you’re gone
Now I see myself through different eyes It’s no surprise But being alone would make you realize, when it’s over All in love is fair I shoulda been there, I shoulda been there, I shoulda shoulda
All at once I had it all But it doesn’t mean anything Now that you’re gone From above, Seems I had it all But it doesn’t mean anything Since you’re gone
I know I pushed you away What can I do that would save our love Take these material things They don’t mean nothing Its you that I want
All at once I had it all But it doesn’t mean anything Now that you’re gone From above, Seems I had it all But it doesn’t mean anything Since you’re gone
* * * * *
Ang masaklap nyan, I never "had it all".
So all I have now is pride. I'm praying that peace of mind should come soon.
Ilang araw na ding paulit-ulit itong kantang ito sa iPod ko;
Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko ang mga parts na:
I believe when it hurts, We must keep on trying; But I want and I need Like the river needs the rain.
There's a bridge I need to burn before I leave I just wanna breathe again
I know I'll be alive again I wanna be alive again
Coz I did my best baby who'd have guessed that I'd fail the test
I'm just cheering myself on.
FORWARD!
Head up high, no looking back. walking briskly, one foot in front of the other. shoulders square, hips swaying (important yun!)
The thing, though, about positivizing shit and psyching yourself is that DEEP INSIDE you know in your heart of hearts that you are actually lying to yourself.
You put on your brave face but deep inside your crumbling.
Nakikinig sa mga kantang pampalakas ng loob kasi yun ang sabi sa mga self-help books at sa mga online break-up tips.
Sa totoo lang gumawa ako ng bagong playlist. Dahil ang Cher playlist ko ay may kasamang ganito:
Love is a lonely place without you
I know I'm not alone I should not be afraid Cause I hear your voice And I know you're there beside me
And so I give my heart I live to love again But I can't let go Of the way I feel about you
Love is a lonely place without you I miss you And you're almost here And I'm almost touching you Love is a place I have to hide away
I'll never love this way again (again)
If love was ever true I know it was with you Cause you touch my soul and You stay with me forever
No tears, no said goodbyes There are no reasons why But I'm holding on I believe in love eternal
Love is a lonely place without you I miss you And you're almost here And I'm almost touching you Love is a place I have to hide away I'll never love this way again (again)
Though I'm moving on I'm still holding on - holding on - holding on
Love is a lonely place without you I miss you And you're almost here And I'm almost touching you Love is a place I have to hide away I'll never love this way again (again)
Love is a lonely place - a lonely place [x4]
At kapag naririnig ko yan, parang gusto kong magkulong sa CR, buksan ang shower at lumupasay sa sahig at humagulgol hanggang sa datnan ako ng pandidiri sa dami ng sipon at luhang natambak sa mukha ko
Which is weird coz it wa sme who broke it off.
Maybe I just can't get over the fact that HE FAILED.
And he failed and fell into a place that is so very hard to get away from.
He's stuck there (both literally and figuratively).
He's stuck in that ramen-slurping country. He's stuck in his own misery and his own drama.
He got so consumed with the stress of the new work and the strangeness of the new environment that he can't get out even if I gave him specific instructions a outline and a picture guide.
It's like the curse of the drunkard in The Little Prince: he drinks to forget that he is ashamed of himself for being a drunk. It just goes around and around and he never gets out of the cycle.
He was caught in the drama and I gave him sympathy and understanding. I became less harsh and became more comforting
And it seemed that he liked that cycle: create drama and get sympathy. And so the cycle goes on and on. Just like a DRAMA QUEEN.
And he was like a vortex sucking me into that blackhole of never-ending stress and emotional burden.
I had to get out.
I was giving him a second chance but he broke our deal. He broke our deal because he like sthe drama and he needed someone to be in that drama with him ~ otherwise it's just depressingly unrewarding.
He really can't change.
And I have no choice but to dump him.
It's really so sad to end things like this.
A couple of friends have told me that "maybe he needs more understanding and patience from you"
Maybe they're right, I can't be sure; though I know they have a point.
Unfortunately, my stock of patience and understanding are quite limited. If I have stayed, I'd soon turn out to be a vortex of bad vibes because of him. And I can't have that.
I didn't want him to fail.
I left him but I was secretly cheering for him.
I wanted to help him. But this is something he has to do on his own; for the changes to be real, it has to be done out of his own volition.
I'm not sure, though, if he can. I mean, I'm not even confident he was able to remember the deals and the conditions we have made. I don't even have the slightest assurance that he can change the things he needs to change (Coz based on recent trends, his default reaction when faced by a challenge is to breakdown and explode).
And I'm not sure if I can wait.
But I am praying, so hard, that we will somehow find our happy ending together. If it's that light at thee end of the tunnel, then I have got be traveling in one of the longer ones coz I surely can't see it.
SANA....
Sana lang talaga, in the end, kahit gaano ka-corny, maging part ito ng soundtrack ko:
hey oliver. read your entries about your stay in the hospital. i'm glad you're feeling better. hope you're also feeling the love this festive holiday season! :)
kalandi ng primary pic! 
